FISHY THOUGHTS

Eating habits. I am vegetarian. Well, not totally. I eat fish. So, fish as my occasional dish is what does not make me true vegetarian. However, this post will not be about my vegetarianism... it will be mainly about fish-eating thingies.

I do eat fish, yet there are some facts that are hard for me to accept. Of course, the fish has to be dead before one eats it. If it is already dead, well, then... I would eat it more easily. But there are some inns here that offer very fresh fish. Live fish are swimming in tanks, usually in front of the inns. The guests can see well how very fresh the fish will be in case of an order. When one orders it, the fish is caught, killed and so on... Thus, when one orders a fish, this eater actually determines one fish in the tank with death. This is what makes me feel uncomfortable. Well, yeah, it is a part of human nature. A part of Nature by all means. Nature itself. But still... it hurts me to determine a living thing with death. One moment it is out there in the tank, swimming, then one enters an inn and... that is the end of the fish. The fish was not caught and dead before. One's decision has determined its future. This is what bothers me.

On Saturday, I am attending Nanbudo seminar. Our club organizes it for members only; trainings outdoors, in nature. The registration for the seminar included a decision about the menu one would like to eat. We had this list of menu-options to choose for lunch. Among other stuff, there was grilled fish, too. It sounded tasty. Grilled fish. But then, these thoughts have emerged. If I would choose a fish now, I might determine one in this moment very alive creature with the end of life. I imagined a fish swimming somewhere. Now at the moment of my decision, the particular fish is alive, not aware of anything, not aware of my words... but when the orders will arrive to the inn, then... Alright, it might have been dead already. Frozen for some time. Or it will be dead by the end of the week anyway, either I order it or not. And one day, it will die for sure. But still... I rather do not risk to make a determination.

I guess these brief thoughts on determination with death reach far beyond today's fishy story; even further if explored and written more deeply. However, finally, I have chosen totally vegetarian menu.

TAKE MY FEAR, UKKONEN

Jätä pelko taaksesi tänään Ukkonen

Take the fear back today, Thunder

Tärisyttää tannerta, mä pakenen

Shake the ground, I will flee

Turha kultani pelätä on, pelätä ikävää

It is pointless, my dear, to be afraid, afraid of dull

Turha sellaista pelätä on, pelätä elämää

It is pointless to be afraid of such, afraid of life

Maj Karma - Ukkonen

This particular song has lately been among my favorites. Well, but what could I write about the week that has just passed? Not much has happened. My life as it would rest for a while; it seems that way. Yet it is not so, not at all. There are some decisions I will have to make. There are some more inner things I will have to overcome. Think stuff over and so on. Perhaps I could say that I feel some strong storms raging within me... tearing me apart, striking me down.

Even the most interesting outer event of last week was - that I was caught in a storm. Very real storm. Yep, the weather has turned stormy. Nice refreshment in this too hot and too heavy air. So, I was in the city centre when the storm burst out. When I headed to one pizza place, lightning and thunder was quite frightening. It felt as it would be striking very close, just above my head.

I am not afraid of storms, though. Actually, I like them. Despite the lightning severely affected my modem a couple of years ago. Despite the lightning can kill. Well, this is nature. I still adore storms. Also, I don't care to get soaking wet in heavy rain. I so like rain... I so like flash and thunder. Such a fantastic spectacle of nature...

As a fan of Nordic mythology (and as a devoted metal fan, hehe) I have a silver necklace with Thor's hammer Mjöllnir. Thor was Nordic god of thunder. Getting myself familiar with mythologies, mainly Greek, Norse and Finnish, I have already been thinking about this overall popularity of thunder gods. Or if I help with Wikipedia's words here. People of many cultures have praised a thunder god, a personification of the seemingly magical forces of thunder and lightning. Frequently, the thunder god would be the chief or king of the Gods e.g. Zeus in Greek mythology, or otherwise a close relation e.g. Thor in Norse mythology, son of Odin. Our Slavic thunder god, gromovnik, was Perun. The Finnish one is called Ukko, sometimes known as Perkele (huh). Well, Ukko's weapon is also a hammer called Ukonvasara (Ukko's Hammer), or an axe or a sword, by which he struck lightning. Ukko nowdays means an old man whereas ukkonen is - thunder.

Today, I was watching again how black clowds gathered. The wind literally blew them over the sky; as they would fell over the forest nearby. The storm stroke again. So, I would ask all thunder gods to make my mind clear with their roaring voices. I would ask them to cool my heart with fresh cold rain... I would ask them to burn my doubts and fears within the fire of lightning, thus making another godess out of me... strong, cold and fearless (beautiful I am already).

There really is divine power in thunderstorms.

SAY IT STRONG

This week, one student has sent me a couple of questions. She is writing an article about me for Slovenian Theatre Portal SiGledal. I am appearing there as a playwright. The questions were about my plays. About my ideas, what I want to tell. Okay, the best way to find this out is to read what I have produced so far, but this is actually not the case here. Some time ago, another person asked me about overall style of my writing. Well, again I have noticed... how hard it is actually to talk about my own work. And I have started to think about my position as a writer.

I believe theatre can be strong media. Direct and merciless. Honest. I have been dealing a lot with critical and sharp authors. Artist, being well aware that, as Hamlet said, something is rotten in the state of Denmark. Alright, not particularly in that country. In general, I would say. I admire Bertold Brecht, and I have also been dealing a lot with young British punky-playwrights; so called In-Year-Face Theatre. However, when I have consider my own position... Yes, I should bear some kind of responsibility as a writer. More responsibility, perhaps. Is there any kind of power my words can have? Well...

I write very intimate stories. Micro-worlds of individuals, far away from all battlefields this world knows about. And I guess this is the most honest writing I can produce at the moment. I observe the society, human relations around me. I observe communication, how words and language are loosing their meaning. My own experience included. Thus, I write about micro-worlds. Intimate battlefields of different desires. Intimate conflicts. Intimate terrorism. Two people. He has disappeared four years ago. Finally, she finds him in the midst of Icelandic dessert. What happens when they meet again? This is, briefly, the plot of my latest play.

There is a thought about my writing I have come upon. Wherever we are, we cannot escape the general state of the world. We pretend that everything is fine, we go shopping, we go to the movies. We fall in love, we have sex, we separate and so on. However... I think the state of the present world affects our relations. Our overall communication. Being aware of it or not. It does affect us. We do not see many of the battlefields and other shit; yet we can feel it. More than we would like to. More than we even know. Thus, the micro-worlds I write about are also a reflection of this bigger world that surrounds them.

Art in general can be strong media. Visual arts, movies, music. Any kind of art can produce very strong statements. I have seen many art works of all kinds I could write about. Yet... can art actually change anything? Brief thought, disgust, a sting in one's hart, perhaps a quarrel; and it goes by. The world, the society, people's behaving towards the Other. Can it be changed? Is there really any influence art can provide? Here, I feel unsure... but I will keep on writing.

RAINY ROSE

I took a picture of this rainy rose today. The weather has turned cold after those splendid sunny days. Some time has passed since my last post... and I feel I need to write something. No deep thoughts, just a few egotistic words to keep Cinnamon Book alive.

Past days were busy. During last weekend, International Nanbudo Seminar in Ljubljana occurred. The founder of our martial art Joshinao Nanbu Doshu came to teach us. It was good. The practice was fine and sweaty. Also, I was a bit sorry since I did not take part in an exam this year; nevertheless I am very happy with my progress. But yes, good training can indeed save the day.

Now it feels like more empty days are starting. I guess I will rest a bit. And I will treat my dear self with some special chocolates... mhm.

KANELI'S JOB

Hallo, dear people! Finally, time to write some more. I was busy as Hell these days. Fuck, lots of pressure. Some tears, too. Okay, I am still busy, but at least one job is done. You know what has happened?! I have actually earned some money with my humble knowledge of Finnish! Yey! Proud Kaneli I am! At least something good came out of my dealing with this language...

The radio I am working on has come up with one project. Presentation of European languages. One week for each language. Live show with chatting in Finnish and four theoretical editions. Last week, I was writing as crazy. Finnish language, alternative Finnish music, Finnish theatre. Also, I had to do an interview with a real Finn.

There was quite some organization to do. Not only that I was reading everything myself. That was nice as I like to do this radio-reading. Anyway, for the interview, I asked a young Finnish man living in Ljubljana. For the live show, it was a bit harder to find a proper person. Finally, I contacted a young Finnish woman from Keski-Suomi, Mid-Finland. Great. Kiitos to both!

The written parts. It was very hard to tell about all specifics of Finnish in... only half an hour. While I was dealing with theatre, I was shocked as I realised that Reko Lundan, interesting young Finnish playwright, has died last October. This is so sad news...

However, my dreams came true as I was finally able to do my own half an hour programme on alternative music. So, my favorite part was this alternative music...

The live show. It happened last Monday. Chatting in Finnish, translating into Slovenian and vice versa for an hour. The listeners were supposed to guess, where in Finland our guest was. Well, I was slightly afraid of this simultaneous translating as I have been learning Finnish for the last two years only. Thus far, I have never done simultaneous translation in Finnish. But, Hell, I did it well. Very well indeed, prekleto. It was so much fun.

I guess now I am officially an active speaker of Finnish.

THE BIGGEST SLOVENIAN

To go or not to go?